It is being off balance that keeps life changing. Total centering, total balance would only be stasis. All life is continual destruction and healing, over and over again.
So I should not regret upon my hikikomori lifestyle of the past few weeks or my many lost opportunities, but instead I should look upon healing and growing from those negative experiences. After all that can be burnt is burnt, a beautiful phoenix will rise from the ashes.
Staying at home, not doing much, letting each day pass by and by and by… it’s pretty much a hikikomori lifestyle. While I’m certainly not a full on hikikomori, I will have times where each day passes on with me moving around the house like a vegetable in the breeze. The most recent moment being in December, which lasted two weeks, and also another time, these past few days. I actually did stuff over the weekend, which made me decide a lazy day on Monday was well deserved. Well that lazy day on Monday also continued on Tuesday and some of today… so this is basically why I haven’t posted or even worked on all these projects I’ve been planning since last month! What was I doing with my time? Well I’d get up in the late morning, meditate for a short amount of time, game for a short amount of time, watch a little bit of anime, but in general, just spend hours upon hours doing nothing online. I don’t plan on ridding myself of this horrible habit, because I know it will be near impossible, but I want to really cut down on the length of time I spend slipping into the abyss.
With so much time wasted, I have roughly ten days left before I return to school. That means ten days to not exactly complete any projects such as learning another two praying mantis form or master several card sleights, but rather to learn skills and develop a lifestyle that will allow me to gradually pursue my many goals as school progresses into the Spring semester. Granted, there are still a few basic forms, sleights, and etc that I want to complete within these ten days, because I believe they will give me something to efficiently build off of once school starts, so I will just have to see what becomes of my plans during the next few days.
So starting tomorrow! I will make plans to grind through the Chen style Xinjia Yilu form, master one or two foundational card sleights, analyze Beng Bu, begin study on… okay this looks like it’s going to be a lot harder than I thought. Guess I’ll just have to take the last days of my freedom from a very Daoist perspective and just go with the flow.
When the seedling appears, it carries with it the complete pattern for its growth, perhaps even the makings of an enormous tree.
Just like that seedling, we too can grow into an enormous tree. We just need to sprout outwards and crack open our seed casing. If only I could push myself away from the computer more often ufufufu…
If waters are placid, the moon will be mirrored perfectly. If we still ourselves, we can mirror the divine perfectly.
Becoming still and returning to our natural, original, balanced state seems to be a goal in the Daoist path. In my opinion it sounds similar or is perhaps even the same as enlightenment in Buddhism. Some might say that life is made to be lived with fun and excitement; that this is the road to happiness, but just as much fun as it is to throw pebbles in the pond, only still water can reflect the beauty of the moon. Regular meditation is key to being able to adapt to the challenges that life throws at us. After two weeks of being lazy I’m really working hard on pushing myself into standing meditation each day.
As poetic and philosophical as all this sounds though, it’s just lip service if I don’t accept the fact that I still have ripples in my water, or lose my cool, during the day. After years of Tai Chi (and I’m still just a beginner), I’ve developed superb control of anger, but I still feel incredibly frantic if I am late for something. Just realizing this emotion within me will be the first step towards calming it down.
Possibly one of the best Steins;Gate music videos I have ever seen… nicovideo users never cease to amaze me. Doesn’t Kyouma’s “El Psy Congroo” in the beginning just send shivers down your spine?
Today’s meditation on cleansing was very interesting and left me with two distinct impressionable quotes.
Rinsing away dreams is a way of saying that we must not only dispel the illusions and anxieties of our sleeping moments, but those of our waking ones as well.
Recently I realize that whenever I leave my home, I feel as if I’m not present. Perhaps this is just more proof that I am becoming an hikikomori? It’s as if I’m standing there… at the store, the post office, parking lot, etc, but I literally feel as if I’m in a dream; as if I could just face plant the floor and just wake up in my bed moments later. The illusion shrouding around my tired self seems to be masking reality from me sometimes as if it were a thick fog. Being in the moment… waking up the present moment… is certainly something to be worked upon.
After we clear away the obscuring layers of dirt, bodily problems, and delusions, we must be prepared even to clear away the gods themselves so that we can reach the inner One.
Interesting enough, this passage on cleansing the self of impurities… actually ends with saying that even the purities must be cleansed as well in order to reach an even higher level of spirituality. I can’t even imagine what sort of events would lead up to or how it must feel to “clear away the gods themselves” from within our bodies, but until then, I can only strive to clear away the physical and mental impurities first. Proper food and nutrition is certainly a good starting point; eating from a bag of plain salad with chopsticks is not a reparation for having nothing, but frozen chicken the day before.
Suzuha: “I’m gonna take you down, bitch!”
Kurisu: “Come at me bro!”